Longing
by calmingaddiction
Summary: Sirius longs for the man that constatly plagues his mind. slight OOC Sirius/Remus. Won't get into the actual M until later chapters
1. Prelude

His head was caught in a desperate struggle. How could he choose? How? He loved both so much. The one he had always longed for, his unrequiented love, staring at him, bewildered.

"How could you choose him over me?" Remus whispered painfully. "Don't you love me?"

Sirius cringed, "Of course I love you, I just…"

James smashed his fist against the wall, eyes on fire as he glared fiercely at Remus. "You didn't want him. You turned him down for years. He's mine now." James growled out.

Sirius dropped his head into his hands. He can't choose. He would never be able to choose. The love he had always dreamed of, or the love that was truly there for him. Both were his friends. Both loved him. He loved both.

And now they wanted him to choose.

He couldn't…he can't…

Sirius looked up, eyes searching their faces. Love and pain reflected on both, eyes shining and lips trembling. He clenched his eyes closed in frustration. He needed to choose, before this killed all of them. He shook his head and tried to think logically. Remus didn't want him before…what's to say he wouldn't leave him once they were together? And James. Could he really have a relationship with James? Could they make this work?

"I'm sorry," he muttered, turning to the man on his left, "I'll always love you, but you can't be him."

A sob breaks free of his throat, and the heartbroken wizard runs out of the room. Leaving only the two.

It takes Sirius a moment to realize what he's done. He feels his heart tear apart in his chest as he realizes the terrible mistake he's just made.

James' arms wrap around him as his mouth drops and tears spring to his eyes. "What did I just do?" Sirius whispers.


	2. Daydreaming

His long, but still short-ish hair caressed the hem of his robes. It fell gracefully into those gorgeous, penetrating gray eyes. Those damned eyes. The same that made his mind go blank and his heart violently stutter in his chest just with a simple glance. Hungrily, Sirius continued to drink in the sight of Remus. His adorable nose, jutting delicately out from his angelic face. A small, soft bump gracing the arch. It spreads out into scarred cheeks. His cheeks that screamed his illness, his curse. The marks of a wolf. But instead of marring or distorting his features, the scars simply emphasized his amazing beauty. It was as if they traced his history, giving the looker a brief glimpse into his tortured nights under the full moon. He followed the trail of the longest scar across his lips.

His lips.

The palest shade of pink flesh, naturally pulling in the most delicious frown Sirius had ever seen. It was almost as if he had a pair of full, pouting rose petals lingering above his chin. God, how Sirius longed to taste those roses. To slide his tongue across those untouched lips, to be the first to taste him. He wanted to run his fingers through the mess of dirty blonde locks that lazily rolled into his eyes, over his eyes, nearly covering that wonderfully bitable neck. He truly was an amazing canvas of pale, gorgeously scarred skin that Sirius ached to make his mark upon.

He twitched slightly in his seat. Transfiguration was always one of the longest classes for

Sirius. Simply because he already knew all the material. He finished his homework early every day. Unfortunately that meant his eyes would wander. And when they wandered, they would always find there way to his friend.

Yeah, his friend. That how things were, and that's how they needed to stay. As much as it tore his heart apart to admit, Remus simply didn't love him the way Sirius loved him. He scoffed and rolled his eyes at that thought. Love was a terrible understatement. What he felt for Remus was more of a masochistic devotion. Like the God you can never touch. He wondered silently if this was what religion was like.

With an enormous amount of effort, Sirius was able to tear his eyes away from the werewolf and bury his head in his arms. He figured it was the teenage hormones, but then why did the rejection hurt so terribly? He could never stay away from Remus, but being around him hurt so much. Feeling him lean against his arm, the random hugs, or just a simple smile directed towards him had his heart breaking every time. He craved the touch, begged for it at times, even when that touch meant more rejection. More pain.

Remus knew. Of course he knew. Sirius was completely in love with him. Everyone knew. Sometimes, he wondered if he could love Sirius back. Whenever he turned and saw those dark eyes on him, the longing and love that burned behind them, he thought he may love Sirius as well. But that was stupid. He was a werewolf. It was much too dangerous to even consider being with him…

But lately, Remus can't stay away from the other wizard. He finds himself wondering why he even bothers staying away from Sirius. But when the moon glows radiantly, high in that god-awful sky, Remus remembers. He could never risk hurting Sirius. Physically or mentally. He wouldn't allow that to happen. Friends. They were just friends. And that is how it was going to stay.

Sirius lifted his head as McGonagall announced the class ending. He sighed with relief and rose sluggishly up from his desk, going over to smack James on the shoulder.

"You as bored as I am, mate?" Sirius muttered, voice still heavy with the few moments of sleep he managed to catch at the end of class.

James simply grinned and nodded, pointing over Sirius' shoulder. "I see someone who could cure that…"

Sirius turned and a grin broke out across his face. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Snivillus."

As he began pulling out his wand, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning, his heart jumped when he eyes landed on Remus, wearing a less then amused expression.

"Do you guys ever stop?" he complained. "We do have homework, you know."

James rolled his eyes and waved him off. "Whatever mate, I'm going to go see if I can find Evans." He gave Sirius the usually whack in the head before he nonchalantly wandered off in search of his girlfriend.

Sirius shook his head and turned to Remus. "How about you then? Wanna to do something before supper?" he prayed silently that Remus would blow off studying for just one night. He wanted a few hours of having Remus to himself.

"Sorry," he mumbled, shifting through papers in his arms, "way too much homework."

He sighed quietly and nodded. His heart sinking pathetically as he was once again denied time to be alone with him. "Alright then," he nodded again, trying to sound more upbeat then he truly was, "I'm going back to the dorms and catching some shut eye before supper then."

Remus looked up in concern and freed a hand, reaching up to lay it on Sirius' forehead. Sirius' heart nearly went through his chest.

"Do you feel ill?" he asked, voice laced with the concern a parent would have if their newborn coughed.

"I'm fine," he whispered, trying desperately not to lean into the warm hand against his face. "I'm just tired."

Much to Sirius' despair, Remus withdrew is hand and went back to shuffling through his mess of homework. "Alright then, go sleep."

Sirius nodded stole one for glance at his love, chuckling to himself at the sight of Remus lost in a sea of concentration and parchment. He turned on his heel and trudged back to the common room, dodging many girls and a few boys on the way there. They just didn't seem to understand only one person owned his heart and soul.

Once back to the common room, he darted up to the room James, Remus, Peter, and he shared. He fought the ridiculous urge to burying himself in Remus' pillow before flopping down on his bed. Sighing, he closed his eyes and lost himself in the usual fantasies of his love being returned, ranging from simply holding hands to something much "deeper".

He pulled his curtains closed and drifted to sleep, counting the minutes until he could see Remus again.


	3. You Only Live Once

A gentle hand shook his shoulder, pulling him from the haze of sleep. Sirius blinked his eyes repeatedly as the sudden harshness of the light invaded his eyes.

"Your going to sleep through supper, Padfoot." A deep, familiar voice chuckled.

"Thanks James," Sirius mumbled back, still trying to pull himself from his Remus laden dreams.

"Well mate, I either had to wake you up, or listen to you moan about Moony." He cringed. "Gets a bit tiring after awhile."

Sirius felt his face flood with blood as he kicked James off his bed. "Git! I was not moaning!"

James burst into hysterical laughter, rolling on the dormitory floor, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Y-y-your face! It's like I jinxed a puppy!" He choked out.

"Bugger off." Sirius snapped, stomping down the stairs to the Great Hall. He knew he was overreacting. James was simply being the git he always was. They probably wouldn't be as close as they were without the terrible sense of humor they shared. But James knew that, when it came to the subject of Remus, not to push it. He might as well of been jinxing a puppy at that point…

His irritated train of thought came to an abrupt crash as his eyes locked on smiling gray eyes. Those eyes drew Sirius like a seeker to the snitch. He pushed Peter out of way, interrupting his undoubtedly boring story to plop himself next to his love.

"Nice of you to join us." Remus smiled, turning away to continue eating.

Sirius simply smirked, waving away Wormtail as he asked if Sirius wanted to hear a joke. He filled his plate with the usual delicious looking meal and set about eating, watching Moony from the corner of his eye the whole time.

As the plates vanished, a guilty looking James sat across from Remus and Sirius. Peter once again tried to get everyone's attention, failing miserably as James muttered a quick "shut it" in his direction.

"Sorry about the dorms, mate. Didn't mean it." He smiled ruefully at Sirius.

Moony raised an eyebrow in curiosity, turning to hear Sirius' response. Following the trend Peter also gave them his undivided attention.

Sirius shook his head, waving it off. "It's fine, don't worry about it." He muttered.

"Are you sure? I didn't want to hurt you." James rushed, blushing furiously once he finished.

Remus scoffed, hiding his laughter behind his Charms textbook. Sirius elbowed him gently, glaring before turning to James with a hesitant look.

"Really mate, its fine. Just forget it." He urged.

James nodded, still slightly pink in the cheeks. "Right. Well, I'm going to turn in. Potions first thing tomorrow." He a quick "goodnight" to everyone he barged through the crowd and disappeared.

"Me too. Bye guys!" Pettigrew squeaked, hurrying after his idol.

Sirius turned and studied Remus with a smile as he continued reading, completely oblivious to the world around them. It was times like this when Sirius realized he could never fall out of love with him. The look of quiet concentration, his eyes absorbing the world in his book, while the world around him faded away without notice. His long fingers sliding across the pages, his bottom lip slipping between his teeth every once and awhile. No, Sirius couldn't not love him. He was perfect.

Moony suddenly seemed to realize the Great Hall was nearly empty. His gray eyes snapped up and he looked sheepishly around the hall.

"Oops," he chuckled, "seem to have lost myself again." He delicately closed his book, sighing as he offered Sirius a small smile. "Well Padfoot, shall we go to the common room?"

Sirius smiled and nodded, getting up and turning on his heel to head to the dorms. He hated these moments. The silence between them as they walked always gnawed at Sirius' mind. Every time they were alone like this, Sirius wanted so badly to do something. _Anything. _Hold his hand, kiss him, anything. He cringed at this own girly thoughts. Pathetic, he thought to himself.

You only live once, his mind argued, if you don't do something now, someone will tomorrow, or the next day, or the next…

He suddenly felt extremely sick at that thought. The image of Remus walking hand in hand with someone else. Those rose petal lips he longed for, caressing another's lips. His beautiful eyes, staring lovingly into some nameless, faceless nobody. His arms wrapped securely around some random witch…

He closed his eyes and stopped, his mind killing him with the images of his love being ripped away from him.

Remus turned, concern etched on his face. "Padfoot? Are you alright?" He walked over and tilted his head, searching closed eyes with alarm. "Sirius. Sirius!" Moony shook him gently, growing more and more distressed as Sirius' eyes closed tighter, a look of pain crossing his face.

Sirius finally opened his eyes, mind made up. He sighed sadly as he looked into light, worried eyes.

"I'm sorry," Sirius muttered, "but you only live once."

The look of confusion on Remus' face quickly turned to shock as Sirius pressed their lips together.


	4. Nirvana

If there was such a thing as nirvana, Sirius was experiencing it. His heart felt as though it was going to burst out of his chest. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered if the gits in the Slytherin dungeons could here his pulse racing. A sickening mixture of unadulterated joy and gut retching terror settled in the pit of his stomach. The joy, spreading through his body and heart from the feeling he had longed for. Those untouched lips on his. To be the first to kiss him, the first to give Remus that rush, that dizzying feeling that overcomes his mind as Sirius' lips press against his.

Unwillingly to give up the moment, Sirius quickly wrapped his hand around the back of Remus' warm, soft neck. Pulling him closer, Sirius swiped his tongue across the rose petal lips, silently begging Remus to grant his tongue entry to his mouth.

Remus hadn't moved. He hadn't breathed. Remus Lupin was in complete and total shock.

Sure he knew Sirius was in love with him. But did he expect him to attack him outside the common room? Absolutely not. That's when it hit him. They were outside the common room. Anyone could come out and see them. He felt Sirius' hand against the back of his neck, pulling him closer. To his surprise, a shiver of lust shot down his spine as he felt Sirius desperately pulling him closer, unwilling to give him up. He quietly gasped against his mouth when a hot, slick tongue flicked against his lips. His gasp quickly turning into a soft moan as Sirius used this opportunity to slip his tongue past his teeth.

Sirius grasped Remus tighter as the sweet, almost chocolate-like taste of him flooded his mouth. Through the haze that filled his mind, a blissful thought occurred to him. Remus hadn't pushed him away. Of course, he wasn't kissing him back, but he wasn't pushing him away. At that moment of contemplation, Sirius suddenly realized his dizziness was getting more severe due to lack of oxygen.

With heavy reluctance, Sirius pulled away, leaving him both panting and wide eyed. Still recovering, Sirius stole a glance at Moony. He was staying into space, a look Sirius usually loved, but now, it terrified him. What is he thinking? Sirius wondered. This was one of the few times he couldn't read his face. It was completely blank; the only movement was his eyes. With every blink they scrunched up, growing more and more confused.

"Remus?" Sirius whispered. When he received no answer, his mind began beating him up. What the hell was I thinking? He moaned in internal agony. Because of one stupid decision, he just lost his best friend. Closing his eyes like he had done moments before, he shoved past Remus to the portrait hole.

Remus had no idea what was going on. One second, everything is fine. Then next, Sirius is having a mental breakdown, and the next…

Sirius kissed him. His first kiss. He shook his head as if he was trying to clear the fog that annoyingly clouded his mind. He couldn't think. Not right now, not after everything that happened in the last five minutes. He opened his mouth to ask Sirius what was going on when Sirius shoved past him, eyes closed in rather obvious pain.

That's something he always hated and loved about Sirius. How obvious his emotions were, his heart was just so obviously stitched to his sleeve. With just a glance, he was able to read Sirius' entire day. It was one of those things that made Remus wonder if he could love Sirius.

Remus watched Sirius push past him, and with one foot in the portrait hole, Remus made a decision. Deciding to take a page from the spontaneous book of Sirius, his hand darted out and grabbed Sirius' arm, pulling the other wizard against him.

Remus looked up into his dark, shocked eyes and traced his thumb across his lips.

"Don't go yet…" he whispered.


	5. Death of a Puppy

Remus didn't know what he was doing. All he knew was that he couldn't let Sirius leave yet. Not after all of that. They needed to talk, to think, to…

Remus' breath hitched when it finally it him. Sirius kissed him. Sirius kissed him. His arms dropped away as he took a few steps back, trying to remember how to breathe. Because in all honestly, breathing seemed like a rather silly thing to do at the moment. There were much more important things to be tending to. Such as the bewildered looking animagus in front of him.

"I…Remus, I'm sorry." Sirius mumbled hesitantly. "I didn't think, I mean, I wasn't thinking. It was stupid, I'm sorry. I-.." Remus pressed a finger to his lips. He needed to think, not listen to Sirius' rambling.

Fortunately, the finger effectively shut the other wizard up, giving Remus a much needed moment to process his thoughts. Could he be with Sirius? Did he love Sirius? It was too much. Remus couldn't think. His thoughts bounced around in his mind, leaving him with only a confused mess of emotions.

"I think…" Remus began cautiously, "I think we should forget that happened." He sighed, looking away quickly so he didn't catch the look on Sirius' face. "I need to think…" he mumbled. Sirius didn't speak, so he turned on his heel and headed towards the library, where he knew sweet, quiet seclusion awaited him.

The pain Sirius felt was indescribable. It was almost as if his chest had caved in. He felt his blood run cold as Remus told him to forget. His heart stopped and sank into his stomach when he looked away. And when Remus was out of sight, he collapsed. His ears rang painfully and his eyes burned. His body slowly began to go numb; the only feeling remaining was the deep, sinking feel in his chest, near where his heart has once beat.

Remus walked away. Remus didn't want him. Remus wanted to forget that unbelievable moment they had shared.

Remus didn't love him.

Of course, Sirius had always admitted he knew Remus didn't love him. But there was always that thought hidden in the back of his mind. That "what if" thought. That damn thought that kept him going these past few years. That stupid fucking thought that caused him to kiss his best friend. That caused him to lose his best friend.

When his vision started going fuzzy, he realized he was hyperventilating. Unable to stand, he pulled himself against the wall sobbed.

Sirius Black hadn't cried since he was a little boy. His mother had pulled his favorite stuffed dog from his tight grip, and with a flick of her wand, sent it up in flames. Sirius had cried so hard that day. He demanded to know why she had done such a horrid thing. Why she had taken his only friend. And with a disgusted look at her oldest son, she replied "a pureblood doesn't coddle muggle toys".

Sirius had been four years old. Twelve years later, here he was. Lying outside the common room, clutching his empty chest and hitching out the occasional sob when he had the air to accomplish it. He had truly never felt this much pain in his life.

Hours, or possibly minutes, later, a gentle hand pulled him up. He tried and failed to blink the swollen tears from his puffy eyes. As he tried to catch his breath long enough to ask who this stranger was, two warm, familiar arms wrapped around him.

"Jesus, Padfoot, what did you do?" James muttered, pulling his best friend close.

He sniffed quietly, the excruciating ache in his chest dulled slightly by the distinct scent of his friend. He buried his tear streaked face into James' neck and gave a quiet little sob.

"R-R-Remus d-d-sn't w-want m-m-me…" he barely managed to hitch out.

James sighed and chuckled a bit, picking up the other wizard and gently brushing his hair back. "God, you're so emotional. Like a girl who got stood up or something. Bloody brilliant, mate."

Sirius pulled away with a betrayed look etched on his face. How could James mock him at a time like this? Couldn't he see that Sirius' world was crashing around him? Couldn't he see the obviously agony he was in?

"I'm only joking!" James reached out to pull Sirius back to him. "Look mate, I think this may be for the best. There are a lot of other people out there. Some that love you a lot more then you think…" he finished softly.

Sirius shook his head. "I just need to sleep." He managed to sigh.

James nodded and put his arm around his waist, pulling him a bit closer then normal. But Sirius pushed that thought away. It was stupid anyways.

With James support he was able to get to his bed. He hastily threw off his robes and crawled under the covers. He heard James sigh and sit on his own bed, wishing him sweet dreams.

Plagued with the repeating image of Remus walking away, he bunched the blankets around his head, buried his face in his soft pillow, and silently cried himself to sleep.


	6. Reflection Remus POV

**A/N: There is two versions to chapter four, one in Remus' POV and one in Sirius'**

Remus' footsteps pounded loudly against the stone of the empty corridor. He squeezed his eyes shut as he raced to the library, where he knew blissfully quiet seclusion awaited him. He briefly wondered if Madam Prince was even in the library at this hour, but pushed the thought away. It didn't matter the hour, the bat-like librarian would let him in. She knew of his condition, and the strange hours he kept with it. She also knew of the hardships he faced with school and general prejudice. Therefore, she usually allowed him to seek sanctuary in the library whenever he pleased.

Speed walking past the Great Hall, he took a moment to glance at the large clock that graced the middle of the large room. Ten o'clock, it read. The library was defiantly closed, and Madam Prince had probably vacated the premise. So the only problem he had to contend with was Filch and that damned cat of his. But any trouble he would get in for wandering after hours would be forgiven by the headmaster.

Remus pulled out his wand and pointed it at the lock, muttering a quick spell before shoving the large doors open with his shoulder. He darted into the cool darkness, turning sharply to kick the door closed. Breathing in the deliciously musty smell of the old books, he rushed to the back of the huge room, ducking under into the resistricted section. Finally, he reached the last aisle and collapsed in the quite darkness. Curling up in the corner he surrendered himself to the panic attack that had been building from the moment he walked away.

Burying his head in his hands, he ran through the events that just happened. Sirius had kissed him. His best friend, Padfoot, Sirius fucking Black just kissed him. He had thought about his first kiss, had run through all the scenarios of which it could have happened. The last thing he ever expected was to be attacked outside the portrait hole. He never thought his first would have been with a guy…with his friend…

He yanked hard at the hair that tangled through his fingers before slamming his head up into the wall, hoping the sharp pain the blow had caused would somehow help him concentrate. He needed to think clearly about his. He needed to decide if he should allow this to change things between them. He needed to remember what that kiss felt like.

His stomach lurched as he remembered the feeling of Sirius' lips on his. His lips had been soft, almost like kissing a cloud. When his tongue slid into his mouth, he had tasted spice, with a hint of sweetness. Something he could very easily become addicted to.

That last thought made his eyes snap open. Something he could become addicted to? Was he insane? Sirius was a man! His friend! He couldn't think of Sirius like this…but Sirius had kissed him, he was the one that started it. Sirius fucking Black was the one that was putting him through all of this suffering. That stupid dog was causing him a mid-life crisis at age 16.

Remus was suddenly overcome with the pathetic and ridiculous urge to beg someone to hold him. To comfort him. To tell him what was wrong with him, because he sure as hell didn't know. Closing his eyes again, he imagined someone there with him, someone to simply wrap their arms around him and keep him on the ground. To his sickening shock, the moment he closed his eyes, the first face he saw was that of Sirius'. His shit-eating grin plastered to his face as he lowers himself to his knees, wrapping Remus' up into his arms and pulling him a bit too close.

He ripped his eyes back open, a sob breaking free from his throat as the agony of confusion washed over him in stronger waves then before. He wanted Sirius. He wanted Padfoot. Oh god.

Whenever he thought about his future, some faceless witch had always been there to fill the void of 'spouse'. Just some girl that he would have at his side. On a whim, he pictured his future with Sirius. Graduating, finding jobs, moving in together, children, growing old. His eyes crinkled up as fresh tears graced his cheeks. The future he pictured was perfect. In this future, he was happy, loved, wanted. He wanted this future. He wanted Sirius.

Swallowing loudly, he began to accept this new feeling. Love. Remus Lupin was in love with Sirius Black. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Share his future, his life, his heart with his wild, spontaneous, and trouble attracting wizard. His shook his head violently. No, he couldn't be with Sirius. He would and could never put anyone through the pain and suffering of being mated with the monster that he was. Especially not Sirius. Being his friend was hard enough; he couldn't be with him romantically. Fuck, as if he didn't have enough things wrong with him already, now he was gay?! i I really am the most screwed up piece of filth on this planet /i he moaned internally. No, he would live with the agony of rejecting his soul mate. Even though Sirius love him as well…

No. He couldn't. He was poor, pitiful, a i werewolf /i for god sake, it wasn't possible for him to have a mate. He berated himself silently for his hypocritical thinking. He had always imagined himself with a mate, so why couldn't it be Sirius? Sirius loved him. Sirius had spent years, becoming an animagus to be with him during the full moon. Sirius wouldn't care. He knew every fault Remus possessed, and yet he still loved him. i I….I'm gay…and I'm in love with my friend…./i he admitted through his mess of thoughts.

To his shock, a large smile broke across his face when peace washed over him. The acceptance of what he wanted was so refreshing. He wanted to be with Sirius. There was no more arguing. No more debating. He was in love.

With the giant grin still placed firmly on his face, he quickly got up and ran back to the common room, anxious to see Sirius, to tell him that he wanted him, that he loved him.

The quickly told the password to the irritated portrait and pushed his way through to the common room. He waved a silent hello to Peter and jumped up the stairs to the room the four they shared. He slammed open the door, and with the smile still in place he stood in a frozen state of shock as James continued snogging his future mate, completely oblivious to the heartbroken wizard that watched in rage full agony from the threshold.


	7. Reflection Sirius POV

**A/N: There is two versions to chapter four, one in Remus' POV and one in Sirius'**

Sirius tossed and turned, unable to sleep through the horrendous nightmares of rejection. Whining slightly, he flipped over again, trying desperately to seek comfort under the weight of his blankets. He knew he needed to move on. To get over this. He would never find happiness, find peace until he was able to put this whole incident behind him. He need to forget about that stupid thought that hid in the back of his mind, the one that begged him to make a move on Moony.

That thought that made Remus walk away from him. If his eyes hadn't already been dried out from the previous tears, he would have cried once more as the memory of his soul mate rejecting him plagued his mind once again.

Scrubbing at his eyes, Sirius sat up in his bed. Swinging his legs over the edge, he dropped his head into his hands and sighed. A quiet shuffling drew his attention and he weakly turned to acknowledge the sound. James had gotten up from his bed and quietly walked over to sit next to Sirius.

"Look mate, I'm sorry about what happened between you and Moony." He muttered, rubbing his back in soothing circles. "But I still hold to what I said earlier. I think it's for the best. Now you can move on, yeah? Find someone that really does love you. Someone that wants you…" he trailed off, hand stopping to rest on his shoulder.

Sirius simply shrugged. He didn't want anyone else. No one made him feel like Remus did. No one made him as fucking happy as Remus did. He wanted Moony.

But he knew James was right. He couldn't have Remus, because Remus didn't want him. By dwelling on this, by fighting the need to accept and move on, he was only causing himself unneeded pain. He heart hurt because of his stubbornness. He needed to continue. He needed to get past this, but he couldn't. Sirius didn't know how to fall out of love with someone.

"How?" came a tortured whisper from Sirius. "How do I move on? I love him, James. I can't let that go."

"Maybe if you start going out with someone else," he suggested, "you could fall in love with them and forget all about Moony."

Sirius barked out a laugh. Forget all about Remus. Sure, and Hufflepuff has been winning the Quidditch Cup for 8 straight years now.

Sirius shook his black hair from his eyes and sighed again. "I'm trying. I just can't, you know?" he mumbled.

James made a noise of frustration. "No! I don't know! He doesn't want you. He doesn't fucking deserve you! You're too good for him Padfoot!" he yelled, grabbing Sirius by the shoulders and shaking him slightly.

Sirius raised an alarmed eyebrow at his friend and tried to gently pull away from his grip. "Have you gone mad?" he asked with honest curiosity.

James let out a small, hysterical giggle. "Yeah, I think so." He dropped his head and licked his lips. "Look, I've waited years for you to make your move on Moony."

Sirius pulled back with a shocked look, mingled with confusion. "What are you going on about?" he demanded.

"I've waited years. I wanted you to go after him so he would turn you down. I wanted you get this out of your system, to get over it."

"Why?" Sirius questioned, annoyance lacing his voice.

"So I could get my chance." James replied.

Before Sirius could even look surprised, a foreign pair of lips crashed against his own, desperate as he was when he kissed Remus.

Quidditch calloused hands slid around his neck to push him back against the bed. James' lips never left his as he pulled Sirius closer, hugging him tightly.

Sirius' mind flashed to Remus, remembering the look of shock on his face after Sirius had kissed him. He briefly wondered if he looked the same, pinned against the bed with James' tongue down his throat. He considered pushing James off him, demanding that he stopped, left him alone. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that this is what he needed. He needed to move on, to be with someone else.

He wiggled his arms free and wrapped them around his friend. He chuckled softly at James' delighted moan when he began to kiss him back. He tried to forget about Remus as battled with James for dominance. But he felt nothing. There was no spark, no love, and no need. Sirius felt absolutely nothing as gentle lips moved against his.

Trying harder to focus, neither James nor Sirius heard the door open, or noticed the enraged, heartbroken wizard that stood at the entrance.


	8. Killing Loneliness

A rough hand trailed down his shirt, slipping under the fabric and gently running his across Sirius' stomach. A soft groan tore its way through James' throat as he continued exploring the warm skin under Sirius' uniform. It was James' dream come true, his fantasy, to finally have his best friend to himself. To bloody finally have that unworthy werewolf out of the way so he could give Sirius the love and attention he deserved.

With a slightly uncomfortable shift, Sirius allowed James to pull off his shirt. Not because he wanted the contact, he simply wanted the opportunity to breathe. James didn't seem to believe the fact that Sirius needed oxygen. He was granted a few moments of precious time to gulp the sweet air into his abused lungs before James had covered his mouth again, slipping his tongue past his teeth and effectively stopping the air flow again.

To Sirius' shock, a small shiver shook through him as James ran his hands down the front of his naked chest. The coarse fingers trailed down to his sides, scratching from his ribs to his hips and causing Sirius to buck off the bed with a moan.i How did James know about that spot?/i he wondered. Instead of giving Sirius time to ponder this, James successfully distracted him by latching his mouth to Sirius' neck. He forcefully pulled his fingernails down Sirius' sides again while leaving an imprint of his teeth in the soft flesh of his neck.

A moan escaped from the assaulted wizard on the bed. He had no idea how James knew of all these triggers, but he seemed to be hitting every erogenous zone on his body. As if he was reading Sirius' mind, James moved one of his hands up to the nape of his neck, raking his fingers down to his shoulder blades and back up while still continuing his attack on Sirius' neck and side.

i Well, /i Sirius thought with a chuckle, i if I have to get over Remus, at least it's with someone that can make me forget my own fucking name. /i

James' head lifted with a hurt look. "Are you laughing?" he questioned, voice cracking at with his own chuckle when Sirius whined.

"Don't bloody stop, I was starting to enjoy it." Sirius forced a grin, pulling James back down to crash their lips together, trying desperately to forget, to move on.

In reality, Sirius did want him to stop. Sirius didn't want this. He didn't want his friend's hands on him, his mouth, and his moans echoing in his ear. No, he didn't want this.

He let out another reluctant shiver as James nipped at his neck again, hating himself as he did.

The guilt he felt at that moment was nearly unbearable. He couldn't wrap his mind around what he was doing. He felt his stomach sink as he realized what a selfish bastard he was being. He didn't want James like this. He fucking wanted Remus like this. But in his own way, James sort of reminded him of Remus. They shared a few facial features that were similar, and actually, some of their habits were the same as well. The way James looked down when he chuckled was like Remus…just, when Remus did it, he covered his mouth his hand and looked down, muffling the sound and hiding the smile that Sirius loved to see. And the way James would stare of into space would remind him of how Remus would bring his hand to his rest on his forehead and lips, closing his eyes and getting lost in his own world.

It was at that moment when Sirius truly realized what he was doing. He was using James. He was killing his terrible loneliness with someone that reminded him of the love he couldn't have. He was a sick, disgusting piece of rubbish that shouldn't be allowed to live. He was hurting his friend, himself, just because he wanted a few moments to pretend James was Remus.

Sirius pushed James away, overwhelmingly sickened by his revelation. "I'm sorry." He muttered. "This was a mistake. I'm so sorry." He dropped his head into his hands with a look of disgust. Sirius had never truly hated himself as much as he did at that moment.

James sat bewildered and hurt next to him, opening and closing his mouth a dozen times, trying to decide what to say. Those few moments of feeling Sirius under him, the lips of his best friend against his, had been the happiest, most blissful moments of his life. And now Sirius was apologizing for it?

"D-don't be sorry," he shifted, voice laden with the confusion and hurt that currently consumed his mind, "I…I love you, Padfoot."

Sirius groaned with self-loathing. He had hoped this was a simple crush, one that he could brush off and they could go back to the way things were. No, it wasn't going to be that easy. James was now going through the same agony and heart crushing misery that Remus had put him through.

Sirius looked up into his friend's eyes, seeing the pain that he knew had reflected in his own just an hour ago. "I think I need to think…" he choked out, repulsed at the repeated scenario. Just this time, he was tearing someone's heart out, instead of Remus tearing his out.

James nodded. "Just promise me that you'll really think, yeah? I do love you…and I really do believe I could make you happy, Padfoot.." he trailed off, reaching out to touch Sirius.

Sirius pulled back and stood up, eyes darting around as his mind seemed to cave in. "Yeah, yeah." He waved him off. It was too much. Too much had happened in one day. He took off to the common room, crashing into another student that stood outside the door.

"Oh sor-" he began, cutting off as the remaining sliver of his heart jumped. Remus stood against the wall with red rimmed eyes, letting out tiny, hiccuping sobs.

"I s-see y-your over m-me." He managed out, looking accusingly at the other wizard. Sirius' eyes popped open as he went deathly pale. Remus saw them. He saw Sirius' moment of weakness, and…Remus was…wait…Remus was crying?

"I came to tell you that I love you, Sirius." Remus choked out, a dark laugh following his confession. "But I see, you already have a new toy."

With one last look of loathing towards the boy he thought was his mate, Remus turned and once again, walked away. Once again, he left Sirius standing there in utter anguish to watch him walk away, dragging what was left of Sirius' heart behind him.

He once again broke Sirius, leaving him irreparable and empty without giving him a chance to fix his mistakes, a chance to explain, a chance to love him.


	9. Comfort

Remus walked blindly back through the corridors, pushing his way past stray students and inconviently placed objects that got in his way. Bringing his sleeve up to his eyes once again, he roughly wiped away the angry tears falling at an alarming rate.

He wasn't angry at Sirius. Not in the least. He was mad at himself. Sirius would be so much better off with James, and this was fate's way of slapping him in the face with that truth. He was supposed to see them together, he was supposed to see Sirius with someone who could be with him, take care of him, deserve him.

Remus slammed the door to the boys' bathroom and preformed the strongest locking spell he knew before walking over to the sinks and slamming his head satisfyingly hard into the mirror. Through the haze of welcomed pain he began to think clearly.

"This was for the best." He muttered to himself. "Really. Sirius will be so happy with James. James can be with him all the time. James isn't a risk to him…not like I am." He continued to try and convince himself. He looked up to throw a disgusted look at his reflection. How could he have ever thought he was good enough for Sirius Black? Popular, beautiful, perfect Sirius Black. And what was he? Some stupid, poor, scarred werewolf that was trying to pass himself off as a wizard? Yeah, right.

Unable to take looking at himself anymore, Remus walked over to the tiled wall and leaned against the cool support. He closed his eyes to breathe, and was instantly assaulted with the image of James of top of Sirius.

He snapped his eyes open as fresh tears threatened to spill over. Raking his fingernails roughly through his hair, he slid down the smooth surface and sat down gently, head cradled in his hands. He remembered the look on Sirius' face when he realized what Remus had saw. He remembered the guilt, the pain, the self loathing that had distorted his perfect features. Remus remembered the look on his face when he tried to escape after their first kiss. The same look had graced his face twice that day.

Remus felt a terrible twist in his gut when he remembered the look on James' face while he was kissing Sirius. Unrestrained bliss. It was almost as if the world could have come crashing around that stupid git's ears and he wouldn't have noticed. The wolf inside begged Remus to let him tear that bloody prick apart. Let him sink his teeth into his neck and destroy him, rip him apart so he could feel the pain Remus was.

Remus listened to it. He smiled as it flooded him with the images of that ponce begging him for mercy and he shredded him into little pieces. He found comfort in the pictures his wolf showed him. Pictures of the bloody ground that would surround where a buck that just stood. Pictures of a wolf spitting out the bones of his feast after James was killed. The picture of the sickened, pained look on Sirius' face after he found Remus…

Remus gagged, suddenly overwhelmed with revulsion at this previous thoughts. What had he been thinking, listening to a damned werewolf?! He was edging the point of no return, seeking comfort in an animal no better then the one that had turned him. And as another, silent image of the feast his wolf begged for pierced his mind; he gagged again, struggling quickly over to the toilet to empty his stomach. This was ridiculous. Letting his entire world crumble to a dog and wolf. He had a life before Sirius. Goals, ideas, opinions, a different damn train of thought. Now everything he saw, did, thought about was directed at Sirius. He couldn't function without him anymore.

Remus pushed himself away from the toilet and cried quietly in the lonely stall. James should have Sirius. Sirius deserved that. Deserved being able to be with James always, without the risk of him turning into a bloody monster. But Remus' heart had become tethered to Sirius. That twit had penetrated his heart and soul, taking over everything he was and reducing him into a heartbroken fool that cried in bathroom stalls.

Remus knew he would never be able to truly face Sirius again on his own. He would fall to his knees and beg for another chance, crawl on his belly and plead for Sirius to leave James for him, to give him a chance to try and be enough to deserve him.

Remus couldn't let that happen, but he didn't know how to prevent it. He began running through all the ways to avoid Sirius when his wolf silently pawed at the edge of his mind. His desperate thoughts came to a halt as his wolf began to promise him comfort, protection, and security. It told him it would walk through his day for him; deal with James and Sirius so he wouldn't have to. Remus tried to resist, to put up a fight, but couldn't find a good enough reason to not give in.

Hopelessly lost, Remus gave in, internally crawling into the safe, comforting arms of darkness, letting his inner wolf deal with the world as he lost himself in shadows.


	10. Torn Apart

**A/N: This takes place the next day. Remus spent the night in the bathroom and Sirius spent it on the couch in the common room. James was to 'heartbroken' to come after him. But who cares about James, right? XD**

**Also, this is kinda dark. Not entirely sure where my mind was when I wrote this, so I'm sorry that it's a bit disturbing.**

Sirius slumped down in his chair, unable to stay focused for more then ten seconds. Didn't matter much anyways. They had been going over the same material in Charms for the past two days. Sirius had already mastered the simple summoning spell and had spent the duration of the class trying to get Remus' attention.

He couldn't quite figure out what was wrong with the other wizard. It was almost as if he wasn't there. Just going through the motions of the day, the only real reaction he gave anyone was snapping at them when they came too close. In all honestly, Sirius was worried. He wanted to apologize to Remus, explain what had happened, beg for his forgiveness. But Remus wouldn't go anywhere near him, and it was killing Sirius.

Flickwick finally dismissed the class after another 15 torturous minutes. Sirius slid back in his chair, rushing forward to try and grab Remus before he left. They needed to talk, he need to explain. Focusing souly on the beautiful blond in front of him, he didn't notice James darting forward to block his path.

"Don't go after him." James muttered, holding up his hands to stop Sirius. "Stay with me for awhile. That git obviously is going through his time of the mon-…wait…sorry, bad reference." He chuckled uneasily.

Sirius stared up at him with a rather disgusted look of confusion. "Mate? Move?" he requested, pushing past him to try and catch up with Remus before he disappeared from view. Shoving past a few more random students, he finally managed to get a solid grip on his love's shoulder.

He opened his mouth to begin his mess of apologies, but was cut short when Remus suddenly twisted around and slammed him into the hard, unforgiving wall. With the unexpected rush of pain flooding his mind, Sirius watched the stars dance behind his eyes as Remus growled fiercely at him, eyes glowing with rage. Blinking several times to regain proper sight, he opened his mouth again, trying to say something, anything.

Remus saw his mouth open again and slammed his pretty head against the stone wall, effectively closing his mouth in favor of releasing a pained whimper. Remus' gray eyes shimmered with bloodlust as Sirius made small, pained noises. Moving quickly, he pushed a nearly unconscious Sirius into a nearby empty classroom and shoved the door shut with his foot as Sirius stumbled and fell on the ground.

Sirius groaned quietly, pain lacing every nerve he knew of. He tried blinking away the tiny fuzzy blurs in his vision without success. Head hazy, he tried to sit up, only to be violently shoved back down by whoever this was.

It couldn't have been Remus. This wasn't his Remus. He wouldn't just attack someone, especially not him. Not one of his friends. The mixture of rage and psychotic joy that brightened his eyes wasn't his. Those growls weren't his. Sirius had no idea who this was, but he sure as fucking hell knew it wasn't the boy he chased after earlier.

Remus leaned down and gently cradled Sirius' head in his rough hands. He stroked the hair from Sirius' eyes delicately before forcefully slamming his head down against the floor hard enough to make Sirius scream in pain.

The monster purred in satisfaction, reaching up further, he grabbed on of Sirius' hands in his, kissing it softly before closing both of his hands around it and roughly twisting it to the side, snapping the supporting bones.

Sirius' mouth dropped open in a silent scream, unable to comprehend the pain he was in. His stomach lurched and his ears rang, tears threatening to spill over as his body tried to deal with the agony it was in. He didn't want to be anywhere near Remus anymore. He wanted nothing to do with the sadistic monster above him.

The wolf grinned with lopsided joy. Standing up, he brushed off his robes and took one more moment to drink in the delicious sight of the shaking, pain stricken boy below him. Taking care to stamp on his already broken fingers, he turned and left the room, leaving the bloodied and broken wizard behind him without a word.

His work was done. Remus was his again, and that plaything of a wizard was back to where he should have been long before. Living in fear of the wolf within. Sirius would no longer step foot in their waters. No, Remus was under his control again, he would remember his place.

Stopping to scoop up the books he had dropped earlier, the wolf set off again, ignoring the agonized, heart breaking screams of the boy inside of him. The boy had the wolf had risen from darkness to watch as he torn his soul mate apart.


	11. Trauma

The first thing Sirius heard was quiet sniffling to his left. Keeping his dark eyes closed, he furrowed his brow in confusion. What was going on? He wondered. Where was he?

He shifted slightly, feeling the warm, unnaturally comfortable mattress reform around him. He licked his dry lips and slowly attempted opening his eyes. They were instantly assaulted by a bright, hard light, causing his abused eyes to tear. When he lifted his hands to shield his cringing eyes, he found that someone was gripping his left hand, refusing to let it go.

Blinking slowly to adjust his eyes, Sirius looked over and saw James leaning against his bed, clutching his hand with a mixture of fear, worry, and happiness etched onto his tired face.

"Sirius," he whispered, joy lacing his exhausted voice, "your awake."

Shifting again, Sirius managed to pull his hands back and run them through his raven hair. "Where am I?" he rasped, voice still heavy with sleep.

"Hospital Wing." James muttered, ringing his now empty hands together nervously. "Some Ravenclaw bloke found you unconscious and bleeding out in Professor Binns room." His voice cracked like ice over his words. Sirius' eyes finally found his friends face, only to leave him speechless by the violent looking mix of hatred and fear he read on his features. It was like James was going to kill the next student that so much as thought about looking at him.

"Professor Binns room?" Sirius questioned. He looked down at his blanket wrapped body to assess the damage he would have suffered in that room. Not one cut or bruise marred his pale skin, leaving him with no evidence of his horrific encounter with Lupin.

He twitched slightly as the thought of Remus brought all the memories crashing back into his already fragile mind. The pain, the fear, the ache in his heart as he stared up into the unfamiliar psychotic gleam in Remus' eyes while he beat Sirius to the point of death.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut once again, trying to block out the terrifying memory of Remus laying over him, smashing his bones and drawing enough blood to nearly kill him.

"Where's Moony?" Sirius managed out, part of him hoping the boy was there, the other part of him hoping he had been expelled, so he wouldn't have to face the werewolf again.

"If he knows what's good for him, the git has run for the hills." James muttered darkly. "Next time I see him, I'll kill him. I know it was him, mate." He rambled on, bitching quietly about how much he wanted to murder their best friend.

Sirius didn't reply, he was lost in the memories of Remus' eyes. The glow that graced them, a glow of hate, anger and rage that seemed to simmer behind the bloodlust that clouded his usual shade of dull gray. But Sirius remembered something. Just a small bit that he had forgotten before. A sliver of something that he had caught when Remus had broken his wrist. A glimmer of pain had flashed across of the gleaming eyes of his tormentor. For a brief moment, he had looked like his Remus again.

His train of thought was cut short when a pair of warm, familiar lips descended on his own. The frantic kiss stole his breath as he felt all the fear, worry, hate, and love James was experiencing, being forced into the harsh kiss. Almost as if James was trying to make the universe fade away, make their problems disappear into their hysterical kiss.

Sirius once again, found himself caught in the same position he had been stuck in before. The sickening revulsion combined with the urgent need to use one of his best mates. Let himself be lost in the cold, empty kisses James was giving him, to forget all about his lost love.

The memory of Remus tore through him again, breaking his heart and causing him to pull James against him, moving desperately against his friend, trying to forget, to block out the bitter, frightening memories of his encounter and his rejection, in favor of losing himself in the meaningless kisses.


	12. Regret

**A/N: Ok, so this chapter will be written in first person. Which really effs up how I have been writing, but I think I can get the point across better if its in first person. Sorry if that really messes things up for you ^_^"**

**Oh, and just taking advantage of the opportunity, I want to thank everyone who has been reading, favoriting, and reviewing this story. It means a lot, so thank you!!!**

Trembling with hate and fear, I watched helplessly as my own hands cradled his beautiful face, my fingers moving to brush his black hair from his bloody forehead. I tried so hard to take control back, desperately using any and every ounce of strength I had to will my fingers to move on my command, not the beasts.

Another chocked sob tore free from my throat as I, once again, failed miserably and was forced to watch my hands smash my beloved's head against the hard stone, blood spurting against the gray rocks. My stomach twisted painfully and my blood ran cold as I helplessly watched him wither in pain. The darkness came up and wrapped its warm, full arms around me, trying to comfort, whispering its sweet nothings in my ear.

I leaned back into its embrace, desperate to escape the torturous image of my own, uncontrollable hands tearing my soul mate apart.

I started to drift off into the shadows, selfishly losing myself in the promised peace it gives me. Just as my eyes were lulled closed, I heard the pain choked scream being ripped from Sirius' throat. I snapped my eyes open and pushed the shadow away, disgusted that I fell for it's trickery once again. I forced myself forward to see what horror had caused the grotesque sound. I gagged as my stomach dropped and dizziness flooded my body. I saw the blood, and Sirius' crushed hand, my shoe smashing his fingers as my body leaves him alone on the cold stone to bleed out.

Screaming with loathing for the vile demon that has stolen my body, I tried again to force control to shift back to me, using all the pure unadulterated hate I have gathered to try and force it into submission. But it's like trying to bring down a brick wall. I had no hope of returning to the light on my own. I slumped down, bitter tears burning down my scarred cheeks like acid as I gave in, hiding in the darkness like the coward I am.

Everything in me tried to reason with the wolf. Beg it to let me go back, to comfort Sirius, to save my love from the death I knew awaited him if he wasn't found. I ignored the painfully violent stutter my heart gave after that last thought.

The wolf scoffed at my pleas, chuckling darkly at my pained begging. It tries to hold me again, trying to convince me that this was for the best. It told me Sirius would have destroyed us, hurt us. It did what it had to do for us to survive, it told me. It tries to repeat that it loves me, and that it was saving me from the inevitable pain Sirius would have brought me.

I pushed it away, snarling at its lies. I wanted Sirius. That beautiful git had made me love him, and now this vile wolf made him hate me, fear me. I had let Sirius slip through my fingers.

I dropped down to my knees, holding my head in my hands as the realization finally hit home. I really had lost Sirius, hadn't I? I had let that beautiful, stupid wizard slip by, when he could have been mine. My tears began to dry up, for I was simply in to much pain to manage crying anymore.

It came and curled up next to me, giving me a feeling of security that I tried and tried to resist. It promised me that, even though Sirius was gone, it would never leave me, it would always be here with me.

Empty of all but pain, I closed my eyes and leaned against this demon, sinking into the peace of its commitment. I knew, somewhere, that it was lying. I knew in the back of my mind that it was using me. But at that point, I really didn't care anymore. I stopped fighting, letting it hold me, and whisper is lies until I finally slipped back into my heart broken slumber.


	13. An Apology from the Author

I want to thank everyone who has taken time to read, favorite, and review this story. I'm very sorry, but I won't be continuing 'Longing'.

This story was entirely based off the relationship I had with my now ex girlfriend, her being Remus, and myself being Sirius. James was based off the girl I used to try and forget my ex.

I ended my relationship with her, thus ending this story. I no longer have the will, nor the want to continue writing about the trails I faced with a girl I no longer care for.

Again, I thank you all very, very much for your patience and support, and I apologize wholeheartedly for this disappoint.

Much love,

~CalmingAddiction


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